It's just not cricket!

So England, it’s that time again. That brief period in 18 months when people in my office say things to me like “Looks like Freddie’s gonna knock out your ponting” – Excuse me??? Is that some sort of innuendo good sir?

Yes, it’s the Ashes again. That one time in a blue moon where I hate being Australian, not because we’re necessarily bad, but because people assume that because I’m Australian, I should either know a lot about the game, or at the very least, care. I have to say right that I don’t feel strongly about either point. In my mind, the only sport more boring to watch than cricket is Golf, and at least in Golf they get to drive around in cool little cars, and Golf has even had a cool comedy made about it ‘Happy Gilmore’ even Tennis, coming up 3rd in the boring sports ever has had a half decent movie made about it, hell ‘Wimbledon’ even got some laughs out of me, and I don’t even like Kirsten Dunst!

I just feel like saying to people “can’t you enjoy your pathetic sport without getting me involved?” At the last Ashes test to happen in England, I was fortunate to come out of a conversation about the Ashes with more success than the entire England team did with their win. Here’s how it went.

Co-worker (guy) comes running into my office looking elated and jumping around whooping.
Co-worker: Ha ha, take that aussie, we did it we did it, woooo!
Me: What’s wrong with you?
Co-worker: nothing wrong you idiot, WE did it, we won the Ashes!
Me: what’s the Ashes?
Co-worker: Uh, hello only the biggest cricket game ever
Me: oh cool, whose playing?

Puzzled look on co-worker’s face at this point

Co-worker: what are you serious? It’s a purely England and Australian test.
Me: oh, ok so we played you and lost or something?
Co-worker: yeah you lost! We totally best your guys asses! For the first time in nearly 20 years.
Me: So, you guys haven’t even won in 20 years? you can’t be that good then.

Co-worker starts looking very angry and starts stuttering slightly

Co-worker: look okay, we won this time! Deal with it
Me: well, I guess it’s about time we gave you guys a chance to catch up then!

Peace and balls
xxx Peej

You can mock my week anytime

Yayyy, after what seems like a life time of having to watch my favourite TV show in re-runs on the 'Dave' channel, the new series has now begun.

It felt thrilling and slightly strange to hear the witty satire that i love so much relating to subjects that are now current, such as Michael Jackson's death (what? he died?) and the politician's expenses. Only earlier this week i'd been listening to my favourite satirists going on about John Mccain and Obama fighting on their election campaigns.

While watching and LMAO (yes, i know how to write like the young'ns too) i was forced to remember a game i recently played with some friends on a camping trip called "would you shag them? and where? Sounds crazy I know, but that’s what happens you leave more than women alone together. After going through most the general male celebrities, we started on TV shows, and Mock the Week was brought up, leading us to start going through the line up of comedians. Russell Howard was mentioned first, because he’s the most obviously attractive and youngest. We all agreed that that we would probably shag him anywhere, but he’s more suited to a 4-poster bed in a country B&B… yes, this is what girls’ conversations lead to when we’re not being thrilled enough by male conversation. Anyhow moving on to Dara O’Brien, the jolly Irishman, most us agreed that if we shagged him, it would have be nice, perhaps a picnic blanket in a meadow… somewhere where no-one could see us. When it came Hugh Dennis, it had to be on an office desk, either a business office or a doctor’s office, a bit naughty but still sexy. Then came Frankie Boyle! (that’s what she said, lol) this one took some time…. We all agreed that we would shag him, no question about it, but we couldn’t think of anywhere in which coitus would be appropriate with him. Someone suggested over a pool table in a biker gang’s headquarters, but we then decided even that was a bit too classy, and, in the end, we all agreed that it would have to be up against a biffa bin in an alleyway, with a door slightly ajar somewhere blaring out a Proclaimers song. Alas, the minds of women will never cease to baffle me, even though I AM one. Poor old Andy Parsons though didn’t even rate a mention, we all agreed that there was no way in hell we would shag him, although David Mitchell rated more than one mention, but I won’t go there or I might get too excited!

Peace and Satire!

Xx Peej